Sunday, May 10, 2026

Between Platforms and Projectors

 My whole life has been one long transit.


Not metaphorically. Literally.


I think I have spent a major part of my life either waiting for a bus, hanging from one, missing a train, sleeping through stations, or trying to convince myself that an unknown city would somehow start feeling like home.


I started travelling alone quite early. The first big one was leaving home for Delhi to study at the University of Delhi. Back then, getting student flight concessions felt harder than getting a government job, so buses became part of life. Guwahati was less a place and more a repeated ritual of overnight journeys, stiff necks, oily roadside tea, and collective fear whenever the bus entered certain stretches of road where everyone suddenly became quiet.


Once, in peak confidence and poor planning, I even hitched a truck ride to Guwahati just to catch a train. I missed the train anyway. The truck driver probably reached before me emotionally.


Train journeys deserve their own chapter. Indian trains can give you philosophy, friendship, theft, and trauma in one ticket. During one journey, I got punched and my Walkman was snatched. What hurt more was not the punch but the loss of music for the rest of the trip. Silence becomes very dramatic when you are twenty and travelling alone.


In Delhi, survival depended heavily on the DTC bus pass. That tiny piece of paper was my real degree. Cheap, folded, slightly sweaty, always hiding somewhere in my pocket. It carried me from my rented room to college every day — thirty minutes if Delhi traffic was merciful, forty-five if the city had decided to punish everyone equally.


But those buses did more than transport me. They educated me. I saw Delhi through bus windows: winter fog over North Campus, overheated conductors shouting routes, students hanging from doors like action heroes, couples pretending not to know each other when relatives entered the bus. I probably understood the city better from route numbers than maps.


One day I almost died in the most Delhi way possible.


While getting off a moving bus, I slipped and got dragged for a short distance while clinging to the door rail with both feet dangling in the air. For a few seconds I looked less like a university student and more like discounted stunt choreography. Somehow I escaped without injury. Delhi buses and I respected each other after that.


Around my third year, the Delhi Metro finally opened its first line from North Campus to New Delhi Station. Suddenly Delhi discovered air-conditioning and discipline. The metro was clean, fast, and painfully expensive for someone like me. There was no proper pass system then, only metro cards with small discounts. I still remember paying ₹50 as deposit for the card because whenever I became completely broke, I would return the card, collect the deposit money, survive for another day, and later buy another card again. It was less public transport and more emergency savings account.


After coming home, I appeared for the Film Appreciation Course interview and didn’t get selected. Rejection is also a kind of travel. Around that time I met filmmakers from Manipur and slowly started learning through experience — carrying equipment, observing shoots, listening more than speaking.


The next year I got selected at Film and Television Institute of India in Pune, and that journey changed everything. Until then I watched films. After FTII, I started seeing cinema everywhere — in streets, silences, railway platforms, faces inside buses.


After the course I received job offers in Delhi, but then a friend assembling a team in Bombay asked me to join him. So once again: another train, another platform, another uncertain beginning.


Bombay was strange because I had visited before for my mother’s treatment, but living there alone was different. The city moved too fast to notice loneliness, but loneliness notices everything. Radio became important. I would board local trains with no destination in mind and get down wherever the city decided. Sometimes at Churchgate, sometimes Dadar, sometimes stations whose names disappeared from memory before evening. Bombay teaches you that even being lost requires stamina.


Then came Europe.


One of the biggest journeys of my life.


Yes, this was when the UK was still technically part of Europe, before geography became political comedy.


I spent half a month in Barcelona and another half in Portugal. Barcelona felt alive all the time, like even the walls had confidence. Portugal felt slower, softer, like a song playing in another room. Then came London — a week of cold rain and weather that looked permanently disappointed.


And then I landed back in Delhi.


The ground shook slightly beneath me at the airport, and for a few seconds I genuinely could not understand what was happening. I stood there wondering whether it was jet lag, exhaustion, emotional damage, or an actual earthquake. After weeks of planes, trains, metros, buses, local trains, and unfamiliar beds, even standing still felt like movement.


Looking back now, I feel my life can be mapped entirely through transport systems.


DTC bus passes. Sleeper-class trains. Trucks to Guwahati. Bombay locals. Metro cards returned for ₹50. Flights taken with anxiety and hope. Every journey carried a version of me that did not fully know where it was going.


Maybe that is why cinema made sense eventually.


Cinema also moves.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Tired

i am someone who always believe in love. I always see myself so drowned in love. Always promised myself to love the one person so much. I want to love the one as much as I can and I believe in not compromising and the love should be same but now I am so shit tired of failing everytime that I just need someone who can hold my hand and tell me that everything will be fine and she dont even need to love me at all.


i am tired

Thursday, December 12, 2013

B-Locked

A month back I decided to stop conversing with certain set of people so I blocked them from my facebook page and deleted their phones numbers as well. The reason was that I was not mature enough to be called as their friend but then I met them in some events and I thought I was wrong in blocking them so I re-blocked them and started sending out request so as to mend the relation but then I realized  I was never wrong blocking them. I am much better without them, I am very sick of their cool attitude and etc etc.

Since one month I am hanging out many young and energetic boys and girls and they respect each other not like the so called matured adult whose aim in life is to be proof they are the best. I am better with them but then I have very closed friend whom I don't mind sharing my thoughts.

Blocking Again

Sunday, December 1, 2013

I cried today

My upbringing was done by many aunts and sisters because my parents were a working parents and their job required immense amount of travelling and many training. Ever since my childhood I played the ‘Chak-Thongbis’ and many other games which the male ego called it girly games, and because of the sisters and aunts who were unmarried at the time teaches me everything about singju-bora tasting and lots of cinemas, maybe it was one of the tiny bit of reason why I am in cinema. None of the aunts or sisters never stayed long, as time changes and their face structure they got married and move on with their lives it is very sad from my part that I have forgot most of them and I don’t have any clue where they are and even more sadder that I never tried to find them. When my parents ran out of sisters and aunts they introduced me to my elder brother, Da Ibungo. I still remember the first time he came to my place with uncle who came to drop him off. I look at him and he gave me an orange, I like oranges and maybe it was one of the sweetest if I re-called. He got admission in the same school I was studying, I know he was keeping a watch on me but never ever let me felt. He make me do whatever I want, he was with us for quite a long time until the day he went back to our native place. After that I make sure I visit his place now and then, and he will always make sure I was comfort because I was a city boy and he knows how I grew up among the city lights (there were no load shedding while growing up) and to be frank I hate going to the Lawais but Da Ibungo was the only reason why I went. I do regret my acts for judging people and land.

Today in my dream I saw Da Ibungo, he was calm as usual and I saw many people as well, my parents and one guy – he was the younger brother I always dreamt to have and in my dream I was the centre of discussion, all of them were confused why I was acting like that and Da Ibungo stayed quite while the guy almost beat me up. Each and every one of them was talking how protective my dad was for me. There were heated argument, I was screaming and was in mess and I started crying looking at Da Ibungo which is when I realised I was awake and crying and trying to control not to make any sound. I sat up and thought why I was crying and Da Ibungo face, which I have forgotten was in my mind vaguely and I realised maybe I cried today because I dint cried when he died. He killed himself and during the last rites, everyone was calling out his name saying, ‘Nanao is here, wake up’. They came towards me to hold and many cry their eyes out but I dint even have a single drop of tears, Ema told me that she was amazed that I dint shed a single tears that day, I don’t know why even though Da Ibungo was my first best friend.


Da, I miss you so much. I am also sorry that I don’t remember your face now but I cried for you today.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Ex

So again I thought I should write even if I have multiple grammar mistakes or not. Did I tell you why I stopped writing? No. Ok it was my ex-girlfriend constant nagging about my grammatical mistakes makes me stop writing and not only writing I stop clicking photo because my ex-girlfriend did some course on photography and also I did stop talking to some of my female friends online and offline. There are so many things that I have stopped due to my ex-girlfriend constant nagging but now I am starting again


*fictional character but then if you suspect someone then it is your fault :)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Ode to Mother Day

Family means everything to many people, and it is the same for me. But when it comes to my own family, I have never been good at expressing my emotions. I honestly do not know why. Strangely, when it comes to relationships, especially the girlfriend part, I become extremely expressive—so expressive that people have even called me immature, and some eventually walked away because of it.

Sometimes my parents wonder if I do not love them or if they have done something wrong. But that is far from the truth. Out of everyone in my life, they are the ones who have loved me the most, stood by me the most, and yes, criticized me the most too. Yet I have never really spoken to them with emotional intensity the way I do with others.

Maybe I take them for granted. Maybe that is part of it. But I know one thing for certain—I love them deeply.

I still remember when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It happened during my Class 10 examinations. While many relatives around us broke down and drowned in fear and sympathy, I stayed strangely calm on the outside. Inside, I was terrified. I simply refused to believe that my mother—the strongest person I knew—could be defeated by a disease that everyone feared so much.

My parents packed their bags for Bombay for her treatment. That day, relatives filled the house with sorrow and sympathy, and for some reason I hated seeing that. Their flight was at 3 PM, and they left home around 2 PM. I did not go to the airport because getting back home would have been difficult. We lived far away and did not own a vehicle at that time.

So I stayed home, pretending to study.

Then suddenly, when I heard the airplane passing above our house, everything inside me collapsed. I cried uncontrollably because, for the first time, I truly felt the fear of losing my mother. I cried for days after that.

My uncle came every night to check on me. He even took me to an STD booth so I could speak to my parents in Bombay, but strangely, I never wanted to talk to either of them. Maybe hearing their voices would have made the fear too real.

My father never even told me the exact day of my mother’s surgery. Later, he called from a neighbor’s telephone just to say, “Your mom is fine.” I cried again—this time out of relief and gratitude because I knew I would see her again.

After about a month, they finally returned home.

My mother was wearing a scarf. I still remember wanting to hug her so badly, but I could not bring myself to do it. What hurt me the most was knowing how much she loved her hair, and seeing the effects of chemotherapy and radiation on her was heartbreaking. Fortunately, she did not lose all of it.

Since then, my mother has continued fighting cancer with unbelievable strength. Honestly, she is the strongest person in our family—even stronger than my father.

And that is why I do not think we need a single day called Mother’s Day to celebrate mothers. A mother has been fighting for us since the day we were conceived, and in truth, every single day belongs to her.

I love you, Mom.

And I am grateful to be your son.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Yes, Love me

Today after the movie we went a friend keeps on talking on how he has ignored his gf and he is actually regreting it, he said he now want to settle down. He almost broke while telling me his story. During the entire time I kept quite and almost weeps myself becuase I have always longed for love. Being a lone child and growing up without parents because they were busy with their works I have always wanted Love to be around me and if I don't get it I tend to lose my mind and maybe because of it every girls left me some tag me a spoilt child, childish and a women but still I believe in Love and will alwaya do.

I want to request to the people not take love for granted as not everyone is lucky enough to get Love.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

ode, again

Today I feel like quitting my life and let myself free from everything. Ever since my film career today I felt so bad. I am lost all alone with three bags and one tripod without any vehicle moving around the city and the hardest thing is that I don't even have money to get an taxi or use public transport. It was really hard for me and also I am slightly having fever when there are alert for swine flu and then again I thought let it be.

I have nothing in me to say or ask people for help as the people whom I can ask for help is far away and somehow I make them run away from me. Yesterday after many consideration I decided to end Heima! Films, the production house which was very dear to me and today after the project I am doing I won't be doing any independent work and will only work on hire basis if there are people to hire me.

Ode

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ode to heima! Films

It is really hard to closed down a company that I have co-created with immense expectation and love. I could have run it independently but I have a huge respect for those friend with whom I started the company. Yes the whole breakdown is my mistake because I was forceful for certain do's and don't.

It's hurt but a heartfelt goodbye to heima! Films. There won't be any film under the banner anymore

Monday, April 22, 2013

Sorry

I know I can be such a pain in ass when I am immersely sad. I know what I am doing and how I am acting and no matter how much I tried I can't stop the way I am acting.

I don't believe in god but today right now I pray to the one heavenly above please give me strength to change myself so that I won't be a pain in the ass anymore. I have lost many people in my life and I don't want to lose it anymore.
My sincere apologies to those all whom have suffered and faced humiliation due to my groucy and childish nature and I will try my best to avoid as much as I can do.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Thabal/Yaoshang

Yaosang thabal starts today and many are getting ready for it. Call are made to their lovers by the girl for the grand events and almost everyone is excited and happy about but for me it never interest me, i really don't like festival. Maybe I am socially awkward but anyway enjoy the thabal. :)

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Zero

Yes I want a good relation with everyone and I also tried my best to do so but somehow it has never works. I think too deeply and tries to get many answer out of it without even knowing what is the real thing behind it, maybe thats why I always failed and it keeps going on and on.

Ever since my childhood I was alone and whenever I get time to talk I talk like shit and sometime the shit which has resulted in many unwanted incident and I keep on learning. To be really frank my aim in life is to fill my emptiness inside me, I dont care how much I earn or how much I achieved. I just want to fill the zero.

Monday, March 18, 2013

If Possible

The worst thing about grown up is that one's cannot express his/her feeling without looking like a complete ass. The people are so busy with their appearance or what will people think rather then expressing their own self. I expressed my own self yes I do lie sometime but I don't fake if something is not right just for the sake of others. Today I would like to express my melanchony and yes without looking like what the society has set for the grown up, if possible

Monday, March 11, 2013

I m what i want with no rules

Set of rules are always the main culprit for all the violence that are happening around the world. Rules like women should be like this or that is the main reason why there are gender biased when it come to equal oppurtinuty. But then when the rules are set for men the main (most) sufferer are the msm, tg or gay (male), they became the teasing point of each and everyone women included.

So rules should be set and everyone should move on from it and then everyone gender will have equal oppurtunity

It's ok to be me, i may be emotional and it's ok

Rights

If I could
I will say
But I have no rights

Friday, March 8, 2013

Hairaroi

Hainingba kaya ama lei
Wahei singse phungatle
Yari makhei haidanaba hotnei
Hotnari
Haira roi khankhre
Haira roi na haikhre

Thursday, March 7, 2013

At Nungbi

Just back from Nungbi after spending three days in the village with the people. While during the trip one thing that I notice was that all the people were happy, they don't complaint if there are no electricity or they have to walk kms to fetch water and many other utilities where a city people would complaint all the time and whines. The neighbours care for each others because they believe in co-existence not like those who believe in making more money and by flashing it to everyone.

I have almost covered the east, south and northern part of Manipur and it has been amazing and hope to explore the western sooner or later

Friday, March 1, 2013

Broken

Maybe It's because my heart has,been broken so many times that when I see someone heart shattered in a movies I do feel the pain along. Strange but true

Monday, February 25, 2013

Today's day

Making myself available for almost that happen in and around the valley is getting better and better. Today I went for ballet and i must say it was great not that great but still it was a great comes back for me in the circuit of live performances. I seriously miss the colorful live performances amongst the live performances of people who were trying to prove 'me-me-me & me'.

A day well spent and i hope tomorrow is just like today

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Please stop acting

Here I am at the 3rd north east theater festival which infact is my one of the most awaited theater festival in imphal. The theater infrastructure is same it was when it was open with 1st theater festival three years back yet they have manage to organised in a grand gala way. There are no entry fees to enjoy the play yet the seats are empty forget about the people who have no clue about theater but those who claimed to be theater enthusiast is no where to find. I guesd this is high time to stop acting an enthusiast but be true to yourself