Tired

i am someone who always believe in love. I always see myself so drowned in love. Always promised myself to love the one person so much. I want to love the one as much as I can and I believe in not compromising and the love should be same but now I am so shit tired of failing everytime that I just need someone who can hold my hand and tell me that everything will be fine and she dont even need to love me at all.


i am tired

B-Locked

A month back I decided to stop conversing with certain set of people so I blocked them from my facebook page and deleted their phones numbers as well. The reason was that I was not mature enough to be called as their friend but then I met them in some events and I thought I was wrong in blocking them so I re-blocked them and started sending out request so as to mend the relation but then I realized  I was never wrong blocking them. I am much better without them, I am very sick of their cool attitude and etc etc.

Since one month I am hanging out many young and energetic boys and girls and they respect each other not like the so called matured adult whose aim in life is to be proof they are the best. I am better with them but then I have very closed friend whom I don't mind sharing my thoughts.

Blocking Again

I cried today

My upbringing was done by many aunts and sisters because my parents were a working parents and their job required immense amount of travelling and many training. Ever since my childhood I played the ‘Chak-Thongbis’ and many other games which the male ego called it girly games, and because of the sisters and aunts who were unmarried at the time teaches me everything about singju-bora tasting and lots of cinemas, maybe it was one of the tiny bit of reason why I am in cinema. None of the aunts or sisters never stayed long, as time changes and their face structure they got married and move on with their lives it is very sad from my part that I have forgot most of them and I don’t have any clue where they are and even more sadder that I never tried to find them. When my parents ran out of sisters and aunts they introduced me to my elder brother, Da Ibungo. I still remember the first time he came to my place with uncle who came to drop him off. I look at him and he gave me an orange, I like oranges and maybe it was one of the sweetest if I re-called. He got admission in the same school I was studying, I know he was keeping a watch on me but never ever let me felt. He make me do whatever I want, he was with us for quite a long time until the day he went back to our native place. After that I make sure I visit his place now and then, and he will always make sure I was comfort because I was a city boy and he knows how I grew up among the city lights (there were no load shedding while growing up) and to be frank I hate going to the Lawais but Da Ibungo was the only reason why I went. I do regret my acts for judging people and land.

Today in my dream I saw Da Ibungo, he was calm as usual and I saw many people as well, my parents and one guy – he was the younger brother I always dreamt to have and in my dream I was the centre of discussion, all of them were confused why I was acting like that and Da Ibungo stayed quite while the guy almost beat me up. Each and every one of them was talking how protective my dad was for me. There were heated argument, I was screaming and was in mess and I started crying looking at Da Ibungo which is when I realised I was awake and crying and trying to control not to make any sound. I sat up and thought why I was crying and Da Ibungo face, which I have forgotten was in my mind vaguely and I realised maybe I cried today because I dint cried when he died. He killed himself and during the last rites, everyone was calling out his name saying, ‘Nanao is here, wake up’. They came towards me to hold and many cry their eyes out but I dint even have a single drop of tears, Ema told me that she was amazed that I dint shed a single tears that day, I don’t know why even though Da Ibungo was my first best friend.

Da, I miss you so much. I am also sorry that I don’t remember your face now but I cried for you today.

Ex

So again I thought I should write even if I have multiple grammar mistakes or not. Did I tell you why I stopped writing? No. Ok it was my ex-girlfriend constant nagging about my grammatical mistakes makes me stop writing and not only writing I stop clicking photo because my ex-girlfriend did some course on photography and also I did stop talking to some of my female friends online and offline. There are so many things that I have stopped due to my ex-girlfriend constant nagging but now I am starting again


*fictional character but then if you suspect someone then it is your fault :)

Ode to Mother Day

Family matter a lot to many people and it is same for me but I don't express much when it comes to my family and I really don't know why however when it comes to the Girl friend part I am super expressive and the expression are super high that many dumped me. My parents sometime wonders if i don't love them or have they done anything wrong but that's not true because of all the people they have loved me the most and criticized me the most. I have never ever talk to them with emotionally charged but I can be really emotional to others to such a extent that I am called an immature. The thing about why I can't express love to my parents will always be a mystery or am I taking them for granted? That's is very questionable. Granted maybe but I love them so much that I have never shown them any sympathy when my mom was diagnose with breast cancer, it was during my tenth examination most of the relative went into super depressive mode and I was normal, I was crying inside but I dint show it to any of them because I know mom will fight for it and I really don't want to believe that she is suffering from a disease that every single person fears. Mom and Dad packed their bags for Bombay. That day everyone was there showing their sympathy towards my Mom, I really hate them for that, it was 3pm flight they left at around 2pm. I dint go to the airport because it will be a problem for me to come back home and we live really far and at that point of time we dint have any vehicle. I stayed back home and was reading my book and then suddenly when I hear the plane passing above our house I cried a river, I cried because I don't know if I was going to see my mom, I cried for three four days. My uncle came every night to keep a check on me, he even took me to STD booth to make a call at Bombay but I never wanted to talk to either mom or dad. My dad never told me the day my mom was gonna operated until he called on our neighbor telephone to tell me that mom is fine. I cried again maybe out of rejoice that I am going to see my mom, they came back home after a month or so. Mom was wearing a scarf I wish I could hug her at that time but I dint. I feel sad again because Mom love her hair so much and the amount of hair fall she gonna have during her radiation and chemotherapy was huge but fortunately she dint lose all of her hair. Ever since mom is fighting the cancer and is the strongest one among the family even more then my Dad.

And I really don't think we need Mother Days to celebrate any mother in the world because she is fighting for us since the day we were conceive and everyday infact should be mother day.

I love you mom. I am glad to be in your life.

Yes, Love me

Today after the movie we went a friend keeps on talking on how he has ignored his gf and he is actually regreting it, he said he now want to settle down. He almost broke while telling me his story. During the entire time I kept quite and almost weeps myself becuase I have always longed for love. Being a lone child and growing up without parents because they were busy with their works I have always wanted Love to be around me and if I don't get it I tend to lose my mind and maybe because of it every girls left me some tag me a spoilt child, childish and a women but still I believe in Love and will alwaya do.

I want to request to the people not take love for granted as not everyone is lucky enough to get Love.

ode, again

Today I feel like quitting my life and let myself free from everything. Ever since my film career today I felt so bad. I am lost all alone with three bags and one tripod without any vehicle moving around the city and the hardest thing is that I don't even have money to get an taxi or use public transport. It was really hard for me and also I am slightly having fever when there are alert for swine flu and then again I thought let it be.

I have nothing in me to say or ask people for help as the people whom I can ask for help is far away and somehow I make them run away from me. Yesterday after many consideration I decided to end Heima! Films, the production house which was very dear to me and today after the project I am doing I won't be doing any independent work and will only work on hire basis if there are people to hire me.

Ode